With all this talk about transgender people using bathrooms, I need to relate my own terrifying experiences.
It was just a couple of weeks ago when, at a local Target store, I decided to use the public restroom. Perhaps that was my first mistake because when I sat down to relieve myself the most horrifying thing happened — someone entered the stall next to me.
When I found out it was a man, I started to fear for my life.
There’s plenty of reason to be scared. Men, if you didn’t know, are disgusting creatures. From a statistical vantage point, we’re responsible for 80.4 percent of all violent crimes each year in the United States, according to the U.S. Department of Justice. We’re also behind 62.9 percent of property crimes. And an amazing study of 28 years of justice system data showed that in homicide convictions men were the offenders 90.5 percent of the time.
FBI arrest data shows men are behind almost all heinous crimes: We made up 98 percent of those arrested for rape and 79.7 percent arrested for offenses against children and other family members. The numbers show men made up 89 percent of all robbery arrests, 85 percent of all burglary arrests, 83 percent of arson arrests, 81.7 percent of theft arrests, 77.8 percent of all aggravated assaults, 58.7 percent of all fraud arrests, and 57.3 percent of all theft arrests.
Since transgender people make up just 0.3 percent of the population by the best estimates, that means natural-born (cisgender) men are the real threat. You’re exponentially more likely to be harassed or attacked by a cisgender person in a bathroom than by someone who is transgender.
You can see why I was so upset to be in a stall next to a man. Sometimes I’m even afraid to be alone with myself for fear of what I might do.
Women are almost as bad. Did you know that when you look at both groups combined, men and women are responsible for almost 100 percent of crime in America? It’s shocking but true. And while the overall crime rate in our country (including the violent crime rate) has dropped dramatically in the past quarter-century, it’s actually up among women.
The numbers don’t lie. They point unerringly to the fact that transgender people aren’t to be feared — people are to be feared. People are just the worst.
Transphobia is silly. Peoplephobia (or at the very least, androphobia, the fear of men) makes much more sense. Think of the children.
With that in mind, I’m calling for a law banning all people from all public bathrooms and the sooner the better. It’s a preventative measure. If we don’t let any of us in, we’ll all be safe.
The above is a work of satire. We weep for having to point that out but bases shall be covered.